I think that, at the heart of any friendship, is good listening. Advice is all well and good, it sometimes even helps, but usually, I think it’s only listening that brings change.

 

Why?

 

There is something very powerful in the naming of things. Our minds are complicated places, full of situations and faces and emotions all bouncing off each other. It can be hard to make much sense of what goes on in there when things are happening at a rate of ten thoughts per second. 

 

Often, it’s only in the act of having to sift through all that noise and present a story that’s uncluttered enough for another human to understand, that we actually grasp what’s going on inside ourselves. Often it’s at that point that we see, if not a solution, then at least a way forward.  And we see it all by ourselves.

 

But to reach this wonderful epiphany you need a friend. You need a friend who doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t try to fix it, doesn’t correct you when you say things that you both know aren’t quite true. Someone who just keeps asking you to tell them more.

 

Of course I didn’t figure this out on my own. I learned it from good friends of mine (mainly female friends), who listened to me rabbit on for hours, and just kept asking me to tell them more, until I finally figured out what was going on for myself. 

 

I have given a lot of advice over the years. I’m not sure how much it helped. 

 

Nowadays I try to just listen.